My apologies to all of you who received an email of the service plans - an email that contained a trail of email notes to one of our friends... sorry. 

Memorial Service:

Friday, April 4, 2014 at l0:00 a.m.

Greeley Wesleyan Church
3600 West 22nd Street
Greeley, Colorado

Reception to follow.

The wind continues its journey, as we all do.  I did have a wonderful surprise this morning... some of you may question my sanity, but if you knew Kris at all you will smile.  Beside the mailbox I put a promise of faith sign again the lilac bush.  This morning as I was getting the trash cans out I see this can laying there and go to pick it up,,, but after looking more closely, I see it was placed there as a tribute from someone who knew Kris - a Bud Lite can!  Made me smile and I know it made Kris smile too. 

Day 3 or 3,000?  Have had so many wonderful friends and neighbors coming by to offer condolences, phone calls, cards, food, and always love.  I thought I was doing very well, but last night the tsunami wave hit me from the back.... with faith and love, I made it through and this morning as I lay in bed not wanting to face the day, I heard Kris' voice "get a grip!  get up and clean or something,,, move."  So I did, have been cleaning house all day... couldn't get all the appliances moved out so came up with a great idea of using the leaf blower... well, you picture it (Kris would be rolling his eyes). :|   My friend says "don't think about it", others say "stay busy",,, all is good advice.  I just know it will take a long time to heal, but the good news is, I know I will.

I will meet with Greeley Wesleyan tomorrow to make final arrangements and will post as soon as plans are confirmed - tentatively looking at Friday, maybe 1:00.    Thank you ALL for your love and encouragement, support, sweet stories of Kris, and thoughts and prayers, and precious photos.  It still seems surreal, but there are times like that in our life.   Please pray for my cousins and families as they mourn the passing of their loved one, Marjorie Laas.  I know too where Aunt Marj is and can see her loving husband waiting with open arms.  Also pray for my father, Don Bain, who was hospitalized last night.  Everyone is fighting a battle or storm, no one is exempt... so pray for one another. 

The wind will never feel the same,,, and that's a good thing.  Blessings.

P.S.  I think I know what made me sleepy.  Since I didn't finish buying Kris the beer at Taco Bell, i poured a small drink of his favorite toddy - Johnny Walker Black with a splash of water,,, I took a sip, made a face, and offered the rest to his memory.

You are welcome to share any memories you may have of Kris on the comments section.  Service plans will be posted when confirmed. 

Had to write more.. on a personal note, on the healing side of things.  This is Day 1 without my friend, husband and partner... all and more.  I promise i won't go on day in and day out, but this day is special, this day will always be a 'marker' for my heart.

Ryan was able to come up and say goodbye to his Dad (thank you Becky for being taxi to Ryan); his best friend Augie came by; and one of his friends from Qwest who has been bringing baked goods almost every day for our sustenance - she also helped carry out my things AND brought supper over this evening.  I wanted to take this day to just walk through, not thinking or feeling too much, just getting through.  We had many neighbors stop by, phone calls of friends and family, even a delicous meal delivered which even though I thought I was not hungry, cleaned my plate (thank you Pam). 

I wandered through the house, petting Abby and Katie as they too seemed so sad.  Finally, I got an urge of awakeness and realized I needed to get Kris' tags on his truck done before the first :} I hurried to "the truck" knowing that Kris was probably wringing his hands in worry :|   I entered one of his prized possessions - his 1999 Ford F250 pickup to start it, no start, battery needs charged, call AAA for charge.  I say to Kris "you did this, didn't you?"  Next to the emission testings - the radio keeps coming on and off,, I say to Kris "if you are doing this to warn me about how I am driving... I promise not to drive fast, run over the curbs or park to close to anyone else".

(note: my friend called and asked why i wasn't finishing sentences... i noticed there were phrases in there I had not written, hopefully if anyone is able to change the writing on my blog - that you do not.  Thank you.)

Kris passed away on wings of eagles this morning around 8:50 a.m.  Just as I was warned, 'he may leave when you are not there'.. through all of this I tried so very hard to be there day and night. Even though I knew the changes were coming faster and the nurses said not to go far, as soon as I left the room to get an orange juice, he took his last breath.  Part of me was broken hearted as I knew how much I would miss him and part of me was relieved for him - for me.  He was now is God's arms, made whole. 

So dear friends and family I hope you will be okay with my meanderings on this day - March 28, 2014.  I am only writing to honor Kris and his journey... and for my somewhat well-being... if not, turn the page.

Three spiritual events happened this morning - one powerful, one humorous, and one faith confirming.

Powerful - at 4:00 a.m. the nurse Mary (the first one there when we arrived) and CNA came in to turn Kris and check his status which was changing rapidly.  I always left the room as I couldn't stand to watch him being moved, although please know that the McKee Hospice Center and staff are the best in the world in my books... anyway, I took my blanket and went to the family room to sleep on the couch until they were finished.  I was sitting there for a moment and this feeling entered my body, it was real and it was magneticallly strong... i believe it was the strength of the Holy Spirit telling me I would need to be strong and that energy or Holy Spirit was within me.   Thank you God!

Humorous - at 5:30 a.m. the nurse and CNA came in to give Kris a bed bath and check his status... I was sleeping SO hard they actually had to wake me!  I said, "oh no, we were at Taco Bell and I was getting ready to order Kris a beer!"   We all laughed and yet it was so real - one of the last things he asked for was a beer... well, contrary to the song, I hope in heaven there is beer!

Faith Confirming - during the entire tribulation of the last 10 days, I would often read from the Bible to Kris or quote the few scriptures that I knew and loved, one being Isaiah 40:28-31... in my own inadeaquate words I would tell Kris that he would fly home on the wings of eagles, run and not grow weary, walk and not be faint.  At the end of this long wide hallway looking to the east, there is a window that is from ceiling to floor and gives a wonderful look at two small lakes surrounded by trees and the morning sun.... i was standing there talking to the nurse and turned to look outside.... an eagle soaring so peacefully on the soft winds of morning, just lazily floating and gliding... I knew then that Kris had made it home.   A sigh of release came from deep within.

Preparation - last night I lay my head closely to Kris, holding his hand as was the nightly ceremony and this vision or thought came to mind:

The bells began to toll, it was the beginning of a celebration in the streets of gold,
"He is coming, he is coming home", the angels cried.

The gate opened and he stepped in to our Father's waiting arms,
"Welcome home child, I am so proud of you, I am so glad you are home." 
"You are now made whole, your soul restored, now walk with the angels in joy and celebration."

.... and he was at peace and smiled for he knew where he was, he was finally home.

Thank you for your constant and continued thoughts and prayers.  I believe you all were lifting him up and helping him on this journey on wings of eagles... You all are a blessing!

Day Nine (9), Kris is still holding on; physical changes are taking place but his heart remains strong.  I don't know what else to say except it is difficult to watch on this side of dying.  Again, I believe he is somewhere peaceful just waiting for the right moment.  For the first time in two days, I stepped outside to find a lovely early spring day - it was the gentlee wind that caught my attention.  Kris loves the wind (and he's not even from Kansas :),,, I thought maybe today the wind will carry him home.

Thank you as always for your thoughts and prayers.

Not much change, Kris continues his journey in sedated sleep.  Changes are occuring, changes i pray he is unaware of... I hope he is going through all the wonderful memories he made in life, visiting with his loved ones and friends... kind of like a good-bye party.   The days are long but seem to pass quickly in some surreal way.  I guess our stay at McKee Hospice is a little longer than most, but can't hurry dying, it comes when the time is right when God knows it is right.  I have made some new friends with families of others going through this journey - we will always be connected in that spiritual way.  Well, am home to shower and play with Abby & Kate,,, will return in an hour.

One thing I read this morning was a little clip saying something like "Saying good-bye is the hardest things to do.  The only thing harder is never having said the word."  I was saying everything I felt in my heart, all the letting go things, all the thoughts I felt about death and dying promised in the Bible,,, but I forgot to say good-bye.  We had that hard conversation this morning - well, hard for me.  I swear Kris started breathing a little softer, I know I was.

Eighty-one (81) steps from the elevator to Kris' room.  I count them every time I walk to and from.  The hallway is wide and straight so I started closing my eyes thinking that if I could walk the whole length without opening my eyes, I had trust defined.  I always seemed to have to steal a tiny little peak to make sure I was not going to run into the wall or something stupid.  Trust.....

They say that the most important thing during this process is to let your loved one know it is okay 'to let go', that you and your family will miss them but you all will be okay and that they are free to break the earthly chains and be released to our Heavenly Father, that HE is holding Kris -- I trusted that and I believe that.  I said it all, I meant it all... but, I kept holding on to his hand and once again wanted to make things better - even in dying.  I learned this morning that I might be making it harder for Kris to go home by holding on to the sadness of not even having his hand to hold.   I learned that is not love... so I have let go and I believe that it is going to be easier for Kris now. 

As of today, Kris has been 8 days without nourishment.  He is still what they call 'resting comfortably' - guess I will trust their insight into the process of dying with dignity.  Well, I cannot explain it all nor do you want to know.  They do say that even though sedated he can hear our voices and feel our touch.... that is what I/we spend time doing talking and touching.  He has had his son at his side, family here each day, friends from his work, neighbors, classmates, clergy, and combined friends... all of whom have touched our hearts.   A person never realizes the caring and love of others until something devastating like this happens.  People bring in baked goods, chocolate, snacks, books and magazines, run errands, pick up my sister, call with encouragement and prayers, and stay to visit a little longer than they want but know what it means to just be present... but most of all they come bringing their love and memories of Kris and support for me.  If he can hear each of these voices, he indeed will pass into God's hands knowing he was loved.

 I trust that this is all so... and i walked 81 steps tonight with my eyes closed.

Will stay in touch when I can.... but in the meantime--Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers and encouragement and support.  Thank you for your love that comes in so many ways.  Pray that Kris' journey home will be soon, will be peaceful, and swift.

Kris has begun his journey home.  Without nourishment and fluids for several days his body was beginning to shut down although he was present until they began the pain med.  The last few minutes he held out his hands when he saw me and smiled and he actually pulled me to him and held me for a minute.  I could still feel that he was fearful but weary and ready for peace.  He called for his brother and they talked and then sleep came.  They will keep him comfortable  with as little movement/agitation as possible.  They say he can hear our voices and feel our touch,,, so that is what I/we can do for him and stay with him. He was always fearful of being alone.  The caregivers at McKee Hospice are wonderful and gentle and caring.  His family is with him now, Ryan will be there later, and friends coming by.  Please continue prayers for Kris' journey home, for my strength to be brave and strong like he is.  He is at McKee Medical Center, Hospice Unit, 3rd floor, rm 355 - welcome to come by anytime. even without your visits or calls we know that you are all praying and that you love both of us.. or you wouldn't be reading this.  'You will fly on the wings of eagles, run and not grow weary, walk and not grow faint.' 

Short update - Kris is going on day 4 without much nourishment or water or by-mouth meds.  He had a very difficult day off and on and last night was pure hell for him.  We med he was finally able to fall asleep about 7 a.m. and is still sleeping.  They will be transferring Kris to McKee Hospital - Pallative and Hospice Unit in Loveland today at noon and keep him sedated for the transfer.  We are all hoping that with some much needed sleep the pain will subside as well as the agitation and he can find some comfort.  Thank you all for your love, support, prayers, and encouragement....

Short update as I am home to change and back to hospital.  Kris has had up and down days - he paces all day never resting and by afternoon has worked himself into agitation and aggressive behavior; the meds help him sleep at night.  He actually has been eating pretty good - not full meals but keep fruit and treats and nuts out for him and he grabs some as he passes.  His brother Art and sister Trish were up Saturday and they had a great visit, one of the meds relaxes him (not to the point of non-pacing) but he was actually able to be silly with Art, laugh, and smile his beautiful smile.. with lots of hugs. 

Yesterday (Sunday) was not a good day, as I was home hoping to shower and sleep, they called and said Kris had fallen and asked me to return.  He was agitated and lost balance, hitting the back of his head, a big bump and bruise on his back, etc.  With every hard fall with a hit to the head, he declines even more.  He was unable to pace unless someone was holding him, which then agitated him; finally they gave him something to sleep and then dr felt for his own safety he had to stay in bed :| .. not good for Kris or anyone caring for him.  The one-on-one CNA/Nurses in the room have been awesome, especially the young men which Kris really enjoys and when not, they are very sweet with him but strong.  THe doctors can't seem to find any meds that help control the pain and yet keep him up. They believe a pallative care approach for Kris is needed - meaning to keep him comfortable and control the pain first and foremost - will meet with everyone today, including the hospice team to help when Kris is dismissed to wherever he will be dismissed to.  Will try to write more later - I know you are all praying for Kris (and I), I ask you continue to pray for Kris' peace and God's will.  He has suffered and continues suffering more than any warrior should have to bear. 

He still recognizes loved ones but it comes and goes.  His son Ryan was able to visit yesterday - I think it must have been very hard to see his Dad is this condition but he sat lovingly with him.

Kris actually slept for several hours last night, the pain med they are giving him really knocks him out, which is good - he needs this rest!  He ate some grapes and strawberries, wasn't interested in the rest of the delicious looking meal :) (guess who was hungry?)  Will shower and return to hospital - hopefully he continues to sleep and rest.  When he is awake he is still somewhat agitated but mostly confused.  We had an awesome overnight aide, she definitely knew what she was doing and has had personal experience with her grandmother,,, wanted to ask her to stay for forever :) They have someone in the room 24 hours which is good, but takes 2 to keep him held when getting meds, etc.    Kris really enjoyed having his brother Art around yesterday and I know Art was glad to be with Kris; it is fun to watch them tease each other even in the midst of chaos.    I just hope there is some light at the end of this tunnel....... and I know there is.

Another rough day for Kris.  On the way to Aspen House this morning I received a call from the director that they can no longer care for Kris due to his aggression and agitation.  After a meeting and directives, they called an ambulance and he was taken to Medical Center of the Rockies.  Sometimes I believe God does things for a reason only known to Him at the time.  Kris finally had an xray of his back and found a stress fracture of one of his vertebraes, CT scan of the head will be reported on tomorrow.  They admitted him and immediately I was impressed with the thoroughness and gentleness of which the staff worked.  He had been administered many 'cocktails' throughout the day and I left him with a staff person to grab some things for the night and will return.  He also has shingles and even worse tissue breakdown than before, all being treated.  I pray he will get some rest and recovery.  I do not know what the plan is for the future but will keep you posted.  Thank you for your continued prayers.

Kris had a very rough morning with extreme agitation.  By afternoon he was doing a little better - it will all take time and we pray that it will all come around for him; he ate a huge piece of coconut pie, took his meds (although it took awhile), we walked and paced even going outside for a few minutes, around 5 he took all his meds, ate a full chicken salad sandwich, some strawberries, chips and then fell asleep - that was at 6:30 - I just called and he had slept until just a few minutes ago (8:30 ).  The staff is working so hard to seeing that he is comfortable and cared for - it isn't always easy.   I believe this is just part of the adjustment for Kris along with the processing of it all - it has only been 5 days. I spoke with the nurse, hospice nurse, and director at AH,regarding the meds and the schedul - perhaps that can be adjusted tomorrow.  Kris' brother, Art and his wife Debbie from Reno, NV arrived today and will be spending some time with Kris along with his sister, Trish.  I know Kris will enjoy having them there to visit and keep him company.  Keep prayers going his way,, thank you everyone.

It was a long day, but it was so good to see Kris.  He was sleeping when I arrived; when he woke up he was happy to see me.  He has changed dramatically but after all he is going through, that is to be expected.  Met with Dr. Mathwich and he explained what was happening and what they would be watching for including change of meds when needed.  Met with the Pathways Hospice nurse and all of that explained, they have a lot of support people on their team to assist Kris and family; will reassess as necessary.   Kris is still not eating although he did eat a few bites of jello and a whole piece of coconut pie I brought to him; but nothing for lunch.... baby steps :)  He is at least resting for a few hours at a time and that is helpful for his stamina.  Will keep you updated now and then.  Blessings to all.

Good news, I have to share the good news right away.  I called this evening, Kris had eaten some apple earlier, some strawberries, orange juice; he is sleeping off and on on the couch; high-fiveing and SMILING.  I have to say thank you to all because i believe it is your prayers and good thoughts that reached his soul.  Will let you know tomorrow what happens with Pathways Hospice and the doctor, in the meantime.. Thank you God! and thank you friends and family.  May we all feel His peace.

Without going into a lot of detail, Kris is having a very difficult time adjusting; they will administer a drug called seroquel to help with the agitation.  We are very concerned about his not eating as he had lost quite a bit of weight since mid-January.  I will be going to visit Kris tomorrow as we have a meeting with Pathways to assess Kris' decline in his physical condition. 

I called this morning, he actually slept several hours in the recliner and is wearing a shirt.  He has still not eaten, they keep trying and I keep giving suggestions (that's what I do :| ).  I asked if I could shorten the adjustment time, they said maybe Wednesday as he is just now starting to let the carepartners help him,,, so I will wait. I think I said somewhere that I would let Dr. and the carepartners do what they do best for Kris.  In Joy.. enjoy this day.

Thank you all for allowing me the pity-party, it has passed.  Today I woke up with a big of a headache (from my own doing).  Yes, I feel badly about this path Kris is on but I also realize it is not my path.  I will forever feel sad about what he is enduring, what he endured in the past, but I know God is watching over him, over me, over each of you.  What wonderful caring friends and family I have; people I have met just these couple of months who care about Kris and I and pray for us; complete strangers I have never met and probably never will, who pray for us because of their friendship with someone and their faith.   I want to get back with my walk with Him and in that faith I know that Kris will find peace and comfort. 

I think it is always hard when I can't see him for a few days, after that 'adjustment period' ends and I can see for myself how he is and let him know none of us have left him things will look a bit better.
Update from Friday through today - he has still not eaten but will drink OJ, he was not taking meds so they put on a pain patch and gave him a shot for the mood swing, he has gotten into the habit of ripping his shirt down the front or completely off,,, after 4 shirts in two days, they have decided to just let it be (they say this is a 'normal' reaction with dementia patients - they are either frustrated, afraid, or both and this is their way of taking action.... kind of like when we feel the need to scream or cry..).  They said he seemed at little more accepting this afternoon - he only slept two hours last night, so he may be getting tired. 

Jesus Calling, "Seek Me first and foremet; then the rest of your life will fall into place, piece by piece."

THANK YOU all for your caring, prayers, and encouragement.

It is done...Dr. Mathwich was here yesterday and thought Kris was doing alot better with the new med but was still concerned with his overall health and safety.  He has fallen or stumbled at least once each day for the last several days, yesterday he fell against the hearth and hurt his back pretty bad (no cuts or anything); so doctor felt he really needed a more settled environment, no new people coming in and out, more room to walk, more familiar faces and a safe place.  As he said, Kris has been in 8 different places over the last two months,,, it is too much change for him and bringing in strangers as home care givers would be just as bad.  He felt that Aspen House was still the best place for Kris at this time as he was familiar with everyone; he didn't think there were many places other than maybe in Denver that would accept Kris with the agitation, falling, etc.   He was kind enough to make arrangements with Aspen House (contingent upon what they wanted from me :| - and vice versa), so they accepted Kris.  I took him there this morning around 10:00.  He was happy to see all his old friends and they were happy to see him.. until he realized what was happening.  The last thing he said to me was "did you do this?".... and so now the decision has been made, his life is forever changed because I was not strong enough to care for him myself.

I know we are being held, but it doesn't take away what I am feeling, what Kris is feeling... we are now both ultimately alone.  I HATE THIS DISEASE and what it has done to us.   Please continue to pray for Kris' well-being, safe keeping and peace. 

Well, some days are diamonds and some days are stone.  After a call from Meadow View saying we were accepted, a call to Aspen House, an assessment by Meadow View, a call from Aspen House... Meadow View cannot accept Kris at this time due to the agitation/frustration; Aspen House filled their one bed... so we are back to square one.  Will call more places for home care.  Dr. Mathwich will hopefully work with Kris here at home to get his meds in order and then perhaps Meadow View will re-assess.  And I will try to keep from going crazier.... sorry about all the ups and downs, but as I have said before, that's the life of Dementia.  Keep praying....

http://www.meadowviewofgreeley.com/

I lied, I am still blogging... I had applied at a memory care unit here in Greeley, not far from our home and was so impressed with the facility and the care that I saw while touring.  Kris liked it too as it had nice wide halls to pace :)... to make a long story short (believe it or not) - they accepted our application as of this morning and we will be moving Kris there tomorrow.  I believe Dr. M will still be caring for Kris which makes me very happy and I feel better having Kris close by.  The name of the facility is Meadow View and their memory care unit is awesome - Kris will have his own room and his own furniture (which they will move for us), a view of the mountains from his room and the dining area, a nice big open backyard area that he can walk whenever he wants  - to name just a few things.  I feel really good about this... and that is something to be thankful for.  It's Ash Wednesday today - a day to remember our faith. 

Jesus Calling  (not scripture): "I will not necessarily remove your problems, but My wisdom is sufficient to bring good out of every one of them." 

Almost a week has past - the days were full of many things, ups and downs, chaos and peace.  The test for Wilson's Disease came back negative, which I guess is good news.  The not so good news is that Kris is not transitioning to home as well as I had anticipated. He is not eating any more than at Aspen House and he actually has been wanting to go 'home' (that is normal expectations I think for him as that was home to him for quite a while); he continues most of the emotions as he did at AH, all I thought would improve if at home... the dr said this was part of the dementia progression which makes me so sad to watch.  The search for home care came up empty handed due to reactive behavior at having strangers in the house.  I think it is the confusion of life in general and bringing him home was probably not the best for him even though at the time I felt it was... now I know and will try to find peace with that.  The doctor Kris had at AH was to continue care for him at home, he came this afternoon and was very surprised to see the change in Kris - and disappointed like I think we all are.    Dr. said he had never seen Kris act like that and asked if I thought he should return to Aspen House.   I am not sure about this but I also am sure that I can no longer care for him at home especially without help. So I am sorry to inform everyone that he will be returning to Aspen House tomorrow - he is actually okay with it and seems to be looking forward to seeing 'the girls' again.   He will be in the same 'purple area' as the carepartners there are best suited for Kris.   Dr. will be reviewing his meds especially with the onset of agitation, he thinks it will subside in a few days. Dr. also thinks Kris is reacting to the change along with the progression of dementia. I wish I could say things had gotten better, that being home brought him peace... I'm sorry as that was being selfish.  I ask that you continue to lift Kris in prayer that wherever he is, he will find peace and comfort and feel safe.

 

I have learned many things this last month and the past week:  that although no one can take care of Kris like I can, others can care for him in ways I cannot.  That caretaking by a loved one or a carepartner is difficult, heartbreaking, and in many ways a gift ... we are trusted by someone who can't care for themselves any more.  We are loved by someone who is afraid because they are living in a world where nothing seems real.. except a hug, a smile, a tender touch, and a soft voice.  I have to admit that when caring for someone 24 hours a day, sometimes I fell short of that.   There were other wise words I wanted to share, but they have left me.  I am stronger than I was 30 days ago when this started, but my heart is still heavy.  I watch Kris sleeping knowing that this is not home anymore, at least for awhile (I HAVE to keep that thought in my heart or I couldn't make it through).  Well.... as my Mom said, "be brave for Kris".

 

I probably won't be blogging much - I think it is is too heavy.  Just know that Kris and I are so blessed and thankful to have family and friends that care and love us, that have supported us in a million ways and prayed for us unceasingly.  This disease is just too terrible,,, I hope you will support research and cure when and however you can. 

 

One last note on Dementia and Alzheimers - someone asked what is it like to live with this disease?  Many years ago I had recurring dreams/nightmares about falling off a ledge into a deep crevice or canyon, I would always land on a narrow ledge.  Looking down I saw nothing but blackness and fear, looking up I could see the turquoise blue of the sky and know God was watching me.... I guess it is like Heaven and Hell.