Eighty-one (81) steps from the elevator to Kris' room.  I count them every time I walk to and from.  The hallway is wide and straight so I started closing my eyes thinking that if I could walk the whole length without opening my eyes, I had trust defined.  I always seemed to have to steal a tiny little peak to make sure I was not going to run into the wall or something stupid.  Trust.....

They say that the most important thing during this process is to let your loved one know it is okay 'to let go', that you and your family will miss them but you all will be okay and that they are free to break the earthly chains and be released to our Heavenly Father, that HE is holding Kris -- I trusted that and I believe that.  I said it all, I meant it all... but, I kept holding on to his hand and once again wanted to make things better - even in dying.  I learned this morning that I might be making it harder for Kris to go home by holding on to the sadness of not even having his hand to hold.   I learned that is not love... so I have let go and I believe that it is going to be easier for Kris now. 

As of today, Kris has been 8 days without nourishment.  He is still what they call 'resting comfortably' - guess I will trust their insight into the process of dying with dignity.  Well, I cannot explain it all nor do you want to know.  They do say that even though sedated he can hear our voices and feel our touch.... that is what I/we spend time doing talking and touching.  He has had his son at his side, family here each day, friends from his work, neighbors, classmates, clergy, and combined friends... all of whom have touched our hearts.   A person never realizes the caring and love of others until something devastating like this happens.  People bring in baked goods, chocolate, snacks, books and magazines, run errands, pick up my sister, call with encouragement and prayers, and stay to visit a little longer than they want but know what it means to just be present... but most of all they come bringing their love and memories of Kris and support for me.  If he can hear each of these voices, he indeed will pass into God's hands knowing he was loved.

 I trust that this is all so... and i walked 81 steps tonight with my eyes closed.

Will stay in touch when I can.... but in the meantime--Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers and encouragement and support.  Thank you for your love that comes in so many ways.  Pray that Kris' journey home will be soon, will be peaceful, and swift.