September 28, 2014 marks six (6) months since Kris' passing.  Alot has happened in my life since then - some tidal waves, some peaceful thoughtful moments, good times with family and friends, and trying to figure out who I am and what life looks like from here.  It is all good.

The memorial service for Kris in Ness City, Kansas was wonderful and healing.   Kris' son, brother, sister and their spouses were there.  We had good food, lots of beer, went shark's teeth hunting, had the placement of ashes at the cemetary, and the memorial at his tree stand out in the country.  A huge thank you to my brothers and their wives for their continued hospitality and beautiful country settings - the two places that Kris loved so much.

The tree stand is along the creek's edge and is in an incredible tree - which was struck by lightening a few days before the service.... marking a perfect arrow to where the stones and momentos were placed.  There was a 21-gun salute in Kris' honor at the top of the ridge and completed with Taps being played while the Kansas wind blew softly and the day was drawing to a close.  It was perfect!!!

Thanks to all the family who traveled far to attend and pay respects, to share stories with laughter and love and to all those who helped make the weekend so incredible.   All is well.....

 

 

Returned late Monday the 21st from being home in Kansas after my Dad's unexpected and complicated gallbladder surgery - 10 days away, think that's the longest I have been away from this home.  Thank you for your thoughts and prayers, Dad is finally as of yesterday starting to improve.  Our family calls him the Miracle Medical Man having faced so many health issues in his life and he always seems to bounce back and that's saying a lot for a man who is 86.  Was able to spend some quality time with my brothers, went to Hutchinson for two days to see my Mom and sister and little niece (sorry I wasn't there long enough to visit other family,, next time), had some great visits with family and friends and of course my Dad.  Abby and Kate did better than I expected, except for eating a steady diet of cat poop! :(  You have to leash your dogs but there are 100 wild cats roaming around and doing what cats do.. anyway.  One funny comment - I knew I was back in Western Kansas when I passed a house with the owner driving his camo 4-wheeler with an old rusted metal bed spring attached to the back of it using it as a rake.  Okay, two funnies.. one day I noticed several of the lawns were a fake green, when I asked I received two answers - (1) it is a fertilizer, or (2) they painted their grass (maybe that wasn't funny, just interesting).

I did a lot of thinking while alone in my Mom's second house with no TV, no radio, no CD player, no internet; Kris seemed to be there with me many times as he loved Kansas but wasn't sure about moving there.  I have to say that evenings were so peaceful and quiet, no cars, just peaceful and the most beautiful sunsets I have ever seen; the Indians called this 'the dying time of day' and that is what it felt like - this quiet floating.  And the mornings (before the wind started whipping around) were just as lovely, the air so clean and fresh,, reminded me of the smell of sweet grass... maybe you would just call it 'home'.

There have been several 'firsts' without Kris thus far - going to church, the traditional stop in Wakeeney heading to Ness and having a beer, first Easter, first time returning home without him meeting me at the door, first spring mowing extravaganza, first meal at one of his favorite restaurants, Old Chicago - ended up getting it to go (there must be some truth to the crying in your beer phrase), and the one first I have been putting off and that is going to the grocery store (I could write a book on that one).  

As I sit here blabbering, I have decided it's probably time to write my last blog for Kris' warrior journey has ended and the Dance of the Mad Tango only has one dancer now,,,  will start journaling on my own again - writing about the rest of the 'firsts', see what God has in store for my life, and start putting one step in front of the other.  It won't be so bad, I have someone watching over me :)

Since I started with a dance, I will end it here with words from Jackson Browne's For A Dancer:

I don't know what happens when people die
Can't seem to grasp it as hard as I try
It's like a song playing right in my ear
That I can't sing, and I can't help listening

Just do the steps that you've been shown
By everyone you've ever known
Until the dance becomes your very own
No matter how close to yours anothers' steps have grown
In the end there is one dance you'll do alone

Thank you with FULL HEART for following Kris and I on this journey, I don't know if it helped anyone but me; but maybe one day someone else wandering through this crap disease will find something to hang on to, if nothing else - that people want to help and more than anything, you will find yourself closer to God than ever before.   Thank you for your thoughts, prayers, encouragement, and love... you will never know how much it has meant.  Thank you Trudy for setting this blog up for us.

Please stay in touch - debbiegravenstein@aol.com

Support your local Alzheimer's chapter.   

Spending alot of time outside, feels good.  I will not be writing for a week or so - my dear Dad is in the hospital again and hasn't eaten for several days, they will do tests today and keep IV going for nourishment.   I will be driving out tomorrow (Friday), taking the dogs with me which will be an interesting journey for them,, okay, and me.    Until I return, may God cover you with His grace and peace be yours. 

I had a little altar of sorts, Abby kept going over and just sitting there so sweetly - like she knew; she does know she misses Kris. 

Yesterday was a tough day for some reason - think it must have been that I never left the house, nor did I ever get out of my pjs.  As I was talking to Kris late in the afternoon, I heard him say he was outside not in the house, so when I stepped out on the deck I felt much relief somewhere inside.  
Not much going on besides taking care of taxes and all the government red-tape.  Thank you all again for the wonderful outpouring of notes, calls, and cards of love and encouragement.... Kris would be amazed and honored that he touched to many lives. 

The memorial service for Kris was beautiful.  Pastor Steve Wilson and Paul Gilbert presented words of tribute and honor,, and of knowing that Kris is living a new life with our Father - whole and healthy and at peace.   A heartfelt thank you to everyone who made this day so special, for all the help, the food, flowers, visits, cards, and love.  And thanks to all who attended, Kris would have been honored by it all.  

Friday was spent with family and friends.  They all left for home on Saturday, which left a very quiet house.  However, I must say our dogs Abby and Kate seemed much relieved to be able to have the run of the house again and my somewhat undivided attention.  The afternoon was spent rearranging furniture, looking at photos, and remembering.  I still feel that this is all so surreal/unreal/real and mystical in a sense.   I will probably be placing poems, prayers, and promises on the blog... seems to be part of my journey of healing.  Thank you Jan for sending this poem.  Gives some light to the dark times:

Somewhere a journey begins

At the end of the worldly existence we know.

Somewhere a path stretches over the stars,

And rivers of memories flow...

Somewhere a silence is heard far away

And the brightness of day fills the night,

Where the trials of life are resolved into peace --

When a soul finds its way to His light.

Kris Gravenstein, 63, of Greeley passed away March 28, 2014 at McKee Hospice Care from complications of dementia.  He was born to Donald and Rosemary (Darst) Gravenstein in Waverly, Iowa on May 3, 1950. 

Kris graduated from Northglenn High School in 1968.  At 6’10”, Kris was an incredible athlete, excelling in basketball and receiving numerous honors  including:  three times Denver Prep Player of the Week, All Conference, and held the Skyline League rebounding record for 13 years.  Immediately after graduation he proudly enlisted in the Army stationed in Germany and volunteering for service in Vietnam, based at Phu Loi with the 520th Transportation Battalion.  Following his military service, Kris attended Northeastern Jr. College in Sterling, Colorado where he played basketball receiving the Junior College All American Honorable Mention award plus many offers from numerous colleges and professional teams.  He shared many victories and happy times with teammates and his brother, Art; those stories could fill a book!   He then attended the University of Wyoming.  Kris retired from Qwest after 30 years of service in 1996 and made many lifetime friends during those years. The loyalty of his friends sustained him during his life and he often said how blessed he was to have so many great memories and friendships.  His greatest passion was hunting.  He was an avid traditional archer and spent many memorable days in the mountains of Colorado and the plains of Kansas hunting and enjoying company of loved ones.  His quiet and gentle spirit combined with kindness is what everyone will remember when they think of Kris.  He lived the life of a warrior having survived cancer then walking through the journey of dementia – his shield was made of bravery, strength, and faith.  Kris and Debbie were married in 2000 and shared a world full of adventures and love during their life together, including their affection for the pets that kept them entertained and comforted over the years. Kris took his responsibilities as a father very seriously and spent many hours with his son Ryan hiking, going to Jamboree events every summer, and included him in hunting trips when possible; those father-son activities became a strong bond for them.  He is survived by his wife, Debbie (Bain) Gravenstein of Greeley; his son Ryan Gravenstein of Fort Collins; one brother, Art Gravenstein of Virginia City, Nevada; one sister, Katrisha Randolph of Thornton, Colorado – their spouses and families; and extended family and friends. He is preceded in death by this mother and father.

A memorial service will be held at the Greeley Wesleyan Church, 3600 W. 22nd Street, on Friday, April 4th at 10:00 a.m., with a reception following at the church. Private burial at Olinger Highland Cemetery in Thornton. A Celebration of Life on September 15th, the first day of archery season, in Ness City, Kansas.

Memorial contributions may be made to: Fort Collins Archery Association,  P.O. Box 270493, Fort Collins, CO 80527-0493 or Northern Colorado Alzheimer’s Association, 415 Peterson Street, Fort Collins, CO 80524.

 

 

My apologies to all of you who received an email of the service plans - an email that contained a trail of email notes to one of our friends... sorry. 

Memorial Service:

Friday, April 4, 2014 at l0:00 a.m.

Greeley Wesleyan Church
3600 West 22nd Street
Greeley, Colorado

Reception to follow.

The wind continues its journey, as we all do.  I did have a wonderful surprise this morning... some of you may question my sanity, but if you knew Kris at all you will smile.  Beside the mailbox I put a promise of faith sign again the lilac bush.  This morning as I was getting the trash cans out I see this can laying there and go to pick it up,,, but after looking more closely, I see it was placed there as a tribute from someone who knew Kris - a Bud Lite can!  Made me smile and I know it made Kris smile too. 

Day 3 or 3,000?  Have had so many wonderful friends and neighbors coming by to offer condolences, phone calls, cards, food, and always love.  I thought I was doing very well, but last night the tsunami wave hit me from the back.... with faith and love, I made it through and this morning as I lay in bed not wanting to face the day, I heard Kris' voice "get a grip!  get up and clean or something,,, move."  So I did, have been cleaning house all day... couldn't get all the appliances moved out so came up with a great idea of using the leaf blower... well, you picture it (Kris would be rolling his eyes). :|   My friend says "don't think about it", others say "stay busy",,, all is good advice.  I just know it will take a long time to heal, but the good news is, I know I will.

I will meet with Greeley Wesleyan tomorrow to make final arrangements and will post as soon as plans are confirmed - tentatively looking at Friday, maybe 1:00.    Thank you ALL for your love and encouragement, support, sweet stories of Kris, and thoughts and prayers, and precious photos.  It still seems surreal, but there are times like that in our life.   Please pray for my cousins and families as they mourn the passing of their loved one, Marjorie Laas.  I know too where Aunt Marj is and can see her loving husband waiting with open arms.  Also pray for my father, Don Bain, who was hospitalized last night.  Everyone is fighting a battle or storm, no one is exempt... so pray for one another. 

The wind will never feel the same,,, and that's a good thing.  Blessings.

P.S.  I think I know what made me sleepy.  Since I didn't finish buying Kris the beer at Taco Bell, i poured a small drink of his favorite toddy - Johnny Walker Black with a splash of water,,, I took a sip, made a face, and offered the rest to his memory.

You are welcome to share any memories you may have of Kris on the comments section.  Service plans will be posted when confirmed. 

Had to write more.. on a personal note, on the healing side of things.  This is Day 1 without my friend, husband and partner... all and more.  I promise i won't go on day in and day out, but this day is special, this day will always be a 'marker' for my heart.

Ryan was able to come up and say goodbye to his Dad (thank you Becky for being taxi to Ryan); his best friend Augie came by; and one of his friends from Qwest who has been bringing baked goods almost every day for our sustenance - she also helped carry out my things AND brought supper over this evening.  I wanted to take this day to just walk through, not thinking or feeling too much, just getting through.  We had many neighbors stop by, phone calls of friends and family, even a delicous meal delivered which even though I thought I was not hungry, cleaned my plate (thank you Pam). 

I wandered through the house, petting Abby and Katie as they too seemed so sad.  Finally, I got an urge of awakeness and realized I needed to get Kris' tags on his truck done before the first :} I hurried to "the truck" knowing that Kris was probably wringing his hands in worry :|   I entered one of his prized possessions - his 1999 Ford F250 pickup to start it, no start, battery needs charged, call AAA for charge.  I say to Kris "you did this, didn't you?"  Next to the emission testings - the radio keeps coming on and off,, I say to Kris "if you are doing this to warn me about how I am driving... I promise not to drive fast, run over the curbs or park to close to anyone else".

(note: my friend called and asked why i wasn't finishing sentences... i noticed there were phrases in there I had not written, hopefully if anyone is able to change the writing on my blog - that you do not.  Thank you.)

Kris passed away on wings of eagles this morning around 8:50 a.m.  Just as I was warned, 'he may leave when you are not there'.. through all of this I tried so very hard to be there day and night. Even though I knew the changes were coming faster and the nurses said not to go far, as soon as I left the room to get an orange juice, he took his last breath.  Part of me was broken hearted as I knew how much I would miss him and part of me was relieved for him - for me.  He was now is God's arms, made whole. 

So dear friends and family I hope you will be okay with my meanderings on this day - March 28, 2014.  I am only writing to honor Kris and his journey... and for my somewhat well-being... if not, turn the page.

Three spiritual events happened this morning - one powerful, one humorous, and one faith confirming.

Powerful - at 4:00 a.m. the nurse Mary (the first one there when we arrived) and CNA came in to turn Kris and check his status which was changing rapidly.  I always left the room as I couldn't stand to watch him being moved, although please know that the McKee Hospice Center and staff are the best in the world in my books... anyway, I took my blanket and went to the family room to sleep on the couch until they were finished.  I was sitting there for a moment and this feeling entered my body, it was real and it was magneticallly strong... i believe it was the strength of the Holy Spirit telling me I would need to be strong and that energy or Holy Spirit was within me.   Thank you God!

Humorous - at 5:30 a.m. the nurse and CNA came in to give Kris a bed bath and check his status... I was sleeping SO hard they actually had to wake me!  I said, "oh no, we were at Taco Bell and I was getting ready to order Kris a beer!"   We all laughed and yet it was so real - one of the last things he asked for was a beer... well, contrary to the song, I hope in heaven there is beer!

Faith Confirming - during the entire tribulation of the last 10 days, I would often read from the Bible to Kris or quote the few scriptures that I knew and loved, one being Isaiah 40:28-31... in my own inadeaquate words I would tell Kris that he would fly home on the wings of eagles, run and not grow weary, walk and not be faint.  At the end of this long wide hallway looking to the east, there is a window that is from ceiling to floor and gives a wonderful look at two small lakes surrounded by trees and the morning sun.... i was standing there talking to the nurse and turned to look outside.... an eagle soaring so peacefully on the soft winds of morning, just lazily floating and gliding... I knew then that Kris had made it home.   A sigh of release came from deep within.

Preparation - last night I lay my head closely to Kris, holding his hand as was the nightly ceremony and this vision or thought came to mind:

The bells began to toll, it was the beginning of a celebration in the streets of gold,
"He is coming, he is coming home", the angels cried.

The gate opened and he stepped in to our Father's waiting arms,
"Welcome home child, I am so proud of you, I am so glad you are home." 
"You are now made whole, your soul restored, now walk with the angels in joy and celebration."

.... and he was at peace and smiled for he knew where he was, he was finally home.

Thank you for your constant and continued thoughts and prayers.  I believe you all were lifting him up and helping him on this journey on wings of eagles... You all are a blessing!

Day Nine (9), Kris is still holding on; physical changes are taking place but his heart remains strong.  I don't know what else to say except it is difficult to watch on this side of dying.  Again, I believe he is somewhere peaceful just waiting for the right moment.  For the first time in two days, I stepped outside to find a lovely early spring day - it was the gentlee wind that caught my attention.  Kris loves the wind (and he's not even from Kansas :),,, I thought maybe today the wind will carry him home.

Thank you as always for your thoughts and prayers.

Not much change, Kris continues his journey in sedated sleep.  Changes are occuring, changes i pray he is unaware of... I hope he is going through all the wonderful memories he made in life, visiting with his loved ones and friends... kind of like a good-bye party.   The days are long but seem to pass quickly in some surreal way.  I guess our stay at McKee Hospice is a little longer than most, but can't hurry dying, it comes when the time is right when God knows it is right.  I have made some new friends with families of others going through this journey - we will always be connected in that spiritual way.  Well, am home to shower and play with Abby & Kate,,, will return in an hour.

One thing I read this morning was a little clip saying something like "Saying good-bye is the hardest things to do.  The only thing harder is never having said the word."  I was saying everything I felt in my heart, all the letting go things, all the thoughts I felt about death and dying promised in the Bible,,, but I forgot to say good-bye.  We had that hard conversation this morning - well, hard for me.  I swear Kris started breathing a little softer, I know I was.

Eighty-one (81) steps from the elevator to Kris' room.  I count them every time I walk to and from.  The hallway is wide and straight so I started closing my eyes thinking that if I could walk the whole length without opening my eyes, I had trust defined.  I always seemed to have to steal a tiny little peak to make sure I was not going to run into the wall or something stupid.  Trust.....

They say that the most important thing during this process is to let your loved one know it is okay 'to let go', that you and your family will miss them but you all will be okay and that they are free to break the earthly chains and be released to our Heavenly Father, that HE is holding Kris -- I trusted that and I believe that.  I said it all, I meant it all... but, I kept holding on to his hand and once again wanted to make things better - even in dying.  I learned this morning that I might be making it harder for Kris to go home by holding on to the sadness of not even having his hand to hold.   I learned that is not love... so I have let go and I believe that it is going to be easier for Kris now. 

As of today, Kris has been 8 days without nourishment.  He is still what they call 'resting comfortably' - guess I will trust their insight into the process of dying with dignity.  Well, I cannot explain it all nor do you want to know.  They do say that even though sedated he can hear our voices and feel our touch.... that is what I/we spend time doing talking and touching.  He has had his son at his side, family here each day, friends from his work, neighbors, classmates, clergy, and combined friends... all of whom have touched our hearts.   A person never realizes the caring and love of others until something devastating like this happens.  People bring in baked goods, chocolate, snacks, books and magazines, run errands, pick up my sister, call with encouragement and prayers, and stay to visit a little longer than they want but know what it means to just be present... but most of all they come bringing their love and memories of Kris and support for me.  If he can hear each of these voices, he indeed will pass into God's hands knowing he was loved.

 I trust that this is all so... and i walked 81 steps tonight with my eyes closed.

Will stay in touch when I can.... but in the meantime--Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers and encouragement and support.  Thank you for your love that comes in so many ways.  Pray that Kris' journey home will be soon, will be peaceful, and swift.

Kris has begun his journey home.  Without nourishment and fluids for several days his body was beginning to shut down although he was present until they began the pain med.  The last few minutes he held out his hands when he saw me and smiled and he actually pulled me to him and held me for a minute.  I could still feel that he was fearful but weary and ready for peace.  He called for his brother and they talked and then sleep came.  They will keep him comfortable  with as little movement/agitation as possible.  They say he can hear our voices and feel our touch,,, so that is what I/we can do for him and stay with him. He was always fearful of being alone.  The caregivers at McKee Hospice are wonderful and gentle and caring.  His family is with him now, Ryan will be there later, and friends coming by.  Please continue prayers for Kris' journey home, for my strength to be brave and strong like he is.  He is at McKee Medical Center, Hospice Unit, 3rd floor, rm 355 - welcome to come by anytime. even without your visits or calls we know that you are all praying and that you love both of us.. or you wouldn't be reading this.  'You will fly on the wings of eagles, run and not grow weary, walk and not grow faint.' 

Short update - Kris is going on day 4 without much nourishment or water or by-mouth meds.  He had a very difficult day off and on and last night was pure hell for him.  We med he was finally able to fall asleep about 7 a.m. and is still sleeping.  They will be transferring Kris to McKee Hospital - Pallative and Hospice Unit in Loveland today at noon and keep him sedated for the transfer.  We are all hoping that with some much needed sleep the pain will subside as well as the agitation and he can find some comfort.  Thank you all for your love, support, prayers, and encouragement....

Short update as I am home to change and back to hospital.  Kris has had up and down days - he paces all day never resting and by afternoon has worked himself into agitation and aggressive behavior; the meds help him sleep at night.  He actually has been eating pretty good - not full meals but keep fruit and treats and nuts out for him and he grabs some as he passes.  His brother Art and sister Trish were up Saturday and they had a great visit, one of the meds relaxes him (not to the point of non-pacing) but he was actually able to be silly with Art, laugh, and smile his beautiful smile.. with lots of hugs. 

Yesterday (Sunday) was not a good day, as I was home hoping to shower and sleep, they called and said Kris had fallen and asked me to return.  He was agitated and lost balance, hitting the back of his head, a big bump and bruise on his back, etc.  With every hard fall with a hit to the head, he declines even more.  He was unable to pace unless someone was holding him, which then agitated him; finally they gave him something to sleep and then dr felt for his own safety he had to stay in bed :| .. not good for Kris or anyone caring for him.  The one-on-one CNA/Nurses in the room have been awesome, especially the young men which Kris really enjoys and when not, they are very sweet with him but strong.  THe doctors can't seem to find any meds that help control the pain and yet keep him up. They believe a pallative care approach for Kris is needed - meaning to keep him comfortable and control the pain first and foremost - will meet with everyone today, including the hospice team to help when Kris is dismissed to wherever he will be dismissed to.  Will try to write more later - I know you are all praying for Kris (and I), I ask you continue to pray for Kris' peace and God's will.  He has suffered and continues suffering more than any warrior should have to bear. 

He still recognizes loved ones but it comes and goes.  His son Ryan was able to visit yesterday - I think it must have been very hard to see his Dad is this condition but he sat lovingly with him.

Kris actually slept for several hours last night, the pain med they are giving him really knocks him out, which is good - he needs this rest!  He ate some grapes and strawberries, wasn't interested in the rest of the delicious looking meal :) (guess who was hungry?)  Will shower and return to hospital - hopefully he continues to sleep and rest.  When he is awake he is still somewhat agitated but mostly confused.  We had an awesome overnight aide, she definitely knew what she was doing and has had personal experience with her grandmother,,, wanted to ask her to stay for forever :) They have someone in the room 24 hours which is good, but takes 2 to keep him held when getting meds, etc.    Kris really enjoyed having his brother Art around yesterday and I know Art was glad to be with Kris; it is fun to watch them tease each other even in the midst of chaos.    I just hope there is some light at the end of this tunnel....... and I know there is.

Another rough day for Kris.  On the way to Aspen House this morning I received a call from the director that they can no longer care for Kris due to his aggression and agitation.  After a meeting and directives, they called an ambulance and he was taken to Medical Center of the Rockies.  Sometimes I believe God does things for a reason only known to Him at the time.  Kris finally had an xray of his back and found a stress fracture of one of his vertebraes, CT scan of the head will be reported on tomorrow.  They admitted him and immediately I was impressed with the thoroughness and gentleness of which the staff worked.  He had been administered many 'cocktails' throughout the day and I left him with a staff person to grab some things for the night and will return.  He also has shingles and even worse tissue breakdown than before, all being treated.  I pray he will get some rest and recovery.  I do not know what the plan is for the future but will keep you posted.  Thank you for your continued prayers.

Kris had a very rough morning with extreme agitation.  By afternoon he was doing a little better - it will all take time and we pray that it will all come around for him; he ate a huge piece of coconut pie, took his meds (although it took awhile), we walked and paced even going outside for a few minutes, around 5 he took all his meds, ate a full chicken salad sandwich, some strawberries, chips and then fell asleep - that was at 6:30 - I just called and he had slept until just a few minutes ago (8:30 ).  The staff is working so hard to seeing that he is comfortable and cared for - it isn't always easy.   I believe this is just part of the adjustment for Kris along with the processing of it all - it has only been 5 days. I spoke with the nurse, hospice nurse, and director at AH,regarding the meds and the schedul - perhaps that can be adjusted tomorrow.  Kris' brother, Art and his wife Debbie from Reno, NV arrived today and will be spending some time with Kris along with his sister, Trish.  I know Kris will enjoy having them there to visit and keep him company.  Keep prayers going his way,, thank you everyone.

It was a long day, but it was so good to see Kris.  He was sleeping when I arrived; when he woke up he was happy to see me.  He has changed dramatically but after all he is going through, that is to be expected.  Met with Dr. Mathwich and he explained what was happening and what they would be watching for including change of meds when needed.  Met with the Pathways Hospice nurse and all of that explained, they have a lot of support people on their team to assist Kris and family; will reassess as necessary.   Kris is still not eating although he did eat a few bites of jello and a whole piece of coconut pie I brought to him; but nothing for lunch.... baby steps :)  He is at least resting for a few hours at a time and that is helpful for his stamina.  Will keep you updated now and then.  Blessings to all.

Good news, I have to share the good news right away.  I called this evening, Kris had eaten some apple earlier, some strawberries, orange juice; he is sleeping off and on on the couch; high-fiveing and SMILING.  I have to say thank you to all because i believe it is your prayers and good thoughts that reached his soul.  Will let you know tomorrow what happens with Pathways Hospice and the doctor, in the meantime.. Thank you God! and thank you friends and family.  May we all feel His peace.

Without going into a lot of detail, Kris is having a very difficult time adjusting; they will administer a drug called seroquel to help with the agitation.  We are very concerned about his not eating as he had lost quite a bit of weight since mid-January.  I will be going to visit Kris tomorrow as we have a meeting with Pathways to assess Kris' decline in his physical condition. 

I called this morning, he actually slept several hours in the recliner and is wearing a shirt.  He has still not eaten, they keep trying and I keep giving suggestions (that's what I do :| ).  I asked if I could shorten the adjustment time, they said maybe Wednesday as he is just now starting to let the carepartners help him,,, so I will wait. I think I said somewhere that I would let Dr. and the carepartners do what they do best for Kris.  In Joy.. enjoy this day.

Thank you all for allowing me the pity-party, it has passed.  Today I woke up with a big of a headache (from my own doing).  Yes, I feel badly about this path Kris is on but I also realize it is not my path.  I will forever feel sad about what he is enduring, what he endured in the past, but I know God is watching over him, over me, over each of you.  What wonderful caring friends and family I have; people I have met just these couple of months who care about Kris and I and pray for us; complete strangers I have never met and probably never will, who pray for us because of their friendship with someone and their faith.   I want to get back with my walk with Him and in that faith I know that Kris will find peace and comfort. 

I think it is always hard when I can't see him for a few days, after that 'adjustment period' ends and I can see for myself how he is and let him know none of us have left him things will look a bit better.
Update from Friday through today - he has still not eaten but will drink OJ, he was not taking meds so they put on a pain patch and gave him a shot for the mood swing, he has gotten into the habit of ripping his shirt down the front or completely off,,, after 4 shirts in two days, they have decided to just let it be (they say this is a 'normal' reaction with dementia patients - they are either frustrated, afraid, or both and this is their way of taking action.... kind of like when we feel the need to scream or cry..).  They said he seemed at little more accepting this afternoon - he only slept two hours last night, so he may be getting tired. 

Jesus Calling, "Seek Me first and foremet; then the rest of your life will fall into place, piece by piece."

THANK YOU all for your caring, prayers, and encouragement.

It is done...Dr. Mathwich was here yesterday and thought Kris was doing alot better with the new med but was still concerned with his overall health and safety.  He has fallen or stumbled at least once each day for the last several days, yesterday he fell against the hearth and hurt his back pretty bad (no cuts or anything); so doctor felt he really needed a more settled environment, no new people coming in and out, more room to walk, more familiar faces and a safe place.  As he said, Kris has been in 8 different places over the last two months,,, it is too much change for him and bringing in strangers as home care givers would be just as bad.  He felt that Aspen House was still the best place for Kris at this time as he was familiar with everyone; he didn't think there were many places other than maybe in Denver that would accept Kris with the agitation, falling, etc.   He was kind enough to make arrangements with Aspen House (contingent upon what they wanted from me :| - and vice versa), so they accepted Kris.  I took him there this morning around 10:00.  He was happy to see all his old friends and they were happy to see him.. until he realized what was happening.  The last thing he said to me was "did you do this?".... and so now the decision has been made, his life is forever changed because I was not strong enough to care for him myself.

I know we are being held, but it doesn't take away what I am feeling, what Kris is feeling... we are now both ultimately alone.  I HATE THIS DISEASE and what it has done to us.   Please continue to pray for Kris' well-being, safe keeping and peace. 

Well, some days are diamonds and some days are stone.  After a call from Meadow View saying we were accepted, a call to Aspen House, an assessment by Meadow View, a call from Aspen House... Meadow View cannot accept Kris at this time due to the agitation/frustration; Aspen House filled their one bed... so we are back to square one.  Will call more places for home care.  Dr. Mathwich will hopefully work with Kris here at home to get his meds in order and then perhaps Meadow View will re-assess.  And I will try to keep from going crazier.... sorry about all the ups and downs, but as I have said before, that's the life of Dementia.  Keep praying....

http://www.meadowviewofgreeley.com/

I lied, I am still blogging... I had applied at a memory care unit here in Greeley, not far from our home and was so impressed with the facility and the care that I saw while touring.  Kris liked it too as it had nice wide halls to pace :)... to make a long story short (believe it or not) - they accepted our application as of this morning and we will be moving Kris there tomorrow.  I believe Dr. M will still be caring for Kris which makes me very happy and I feel better having Kris close by.  The name of the facility is Meadow View and their memory care unit is awesome - Kris will have his own room and his own furniture (which they will move for us), a view of the mountains from his room and the dining area, a nice big open backyard area that he can walk whenever he wants  - to name just a few things.  I feel really good about this... and that is something to be thankful for.  It's Ash Wednesday today - a day to remember our faith. 

Jesus Calling  (not scripture): "I will not necessarily remove your problems, but My wisdom is sufficient to bring good out of every one of them." 

Almost a week has past - the days were full of many things, ups and downs, chaos and peace.  The test for Wilson's Disease came back negative, which I guess is good news.  The not so good news is that Kris is not transitioning to home as well as I had anticipated. He is not eating any more than at Aspen House and he actually has been wanting to go 'home' (that is normal expectations I think for him as that was home to him for quite a while); he continues most of the emotions as he did at AH, all I thought would improve if at home... the dr said this was part of the dementia progression which makes me so sad to watch.  The search for home care came up empty handed due to reactive behavior at having strangers in the house.  I think it is the confusion of life in general and bringing him home was probably not the best for him even though at the time I felt it was... now I know and will try to find peace with that.  The doctor Kris had at AH was to continue care for him at home, he came this afternoon and was very surprised to see the change in Kris - and disappointed like I think we all are.    Dr. said he had never seen Kris act like that and asked if I thought he should return to Aspen House.   I am not sure about this but I also am sure that I can no longer care for him at home especially without help. So I am sorry to inform everyone that he will be returning to Aspen House tomorrow - he is actually okay with it and seems to be looking forward to seeing 'the girls' again.   He will be in the same 'purple area' as the carepartners there are best suited for Kris.   Dr. will be reviewing his meds especially with the onset of agitation, he thinks it will subside in a few days. Dr. also thinks Kris is reacting to the change along with the progression of dementia. I wish I could say things had gotten better, that being home brought him peace... I'm sorry as that was being selfish.  I ask that you continue to lift Kris in prayer that wherever he is, he will find peace and comfort and feel safe.

 

I have learned many things this last month and the past week:  that although no one can take care of Kris like I can, others can care for him in ways I cannot.  That caretaking by a loved one or a carepartner is difficult, heartbreaking, and in many ways a gift ... we are trusted by someone who can't care for themselves any more.  We are loved by someone who is afraid because they are living in a world where nothing seems real.. except a hug, a smile, a tender touch, and a soft voice.  I have to admit that when caring for someone 24 hours a day, sometimes I fell short of that.   There were other wise words I wanted to share, but they have left me.  I am stronger than I was 30 days ago when this started, but my heart is still heavy.  I watch Kris sleeping knowing that this is not home anymore, at least for awhile (I HAVE to keep that thought in my heart or I couldn't make it through).  Well.... as my Mom said, "be brave for Kris".

 

I probably won't be blogging much - I think it is is too heavy.  Just know that Kris and I are so blessed and thankful to have family and friends that care and love us, that have supported us in a million ways and prayed for us unceasingly.  This disease is just too terrible,,, I hope you will support research and cure when and however you can. 

 

One last note on Dementia and Alzheimers - someone asked what is it like to live with this disease?  Many years ago I had recurring dreams/nightmares about falling off a ledge into a deep crevice or canyon, I would always land on a narrow ledge.  Looking down I saw nothing but blackness and fear, looking up I could see the turquoise blue of the sky and know God was watching me.... I guess it is like Heaven and Hell. 

 

 

Home Again

I picked Kris up yesterday and he was so happy - hugged all the carepartners and owners and away we went.  He said "drive slow so I can look", he indeed seem to be looking at a strange new world but now and then would see something that he remembered and comment on it.  We decided on Arby's drive-through and went to his old/new home.  The dogs were gated so as not to scare him,,, Katie was so excited she about jumped over the couch and Abby just whined and wagged.  He patted them but then just walked back to his recliner (his comfort place).  He did eat one sandwich (previously he would have eaten 3 :), potato cakes, applesauce and 3 peanut butter cookies.

I don't want to sound negative but I want to write about what is going on so other caretakers can take note... I expected (as always) that things would be better for him, and selfishlessly for me.  I am realizing another phase of Dementia, more decline at a whole different level.  After lunch Kris then realized he was not where he was used to being - he paced and cried and the only comfort I could give him was to hold him as words are not comprehended at this level... he just needs to know he is safe - I don't think even emotions are important, well I should say loving emotions; he always has and continues to pick up on frustration, impatience, or anger.  That is one thing i was most impressed about with most of the carepartners is they were as patient as patient could be - i am sure it is not always like that, everyone has a patient level.  So, again, the best i can do is hold his hand, hug him, speak softly, and change the subject when he is sad - food is a good option or changing where he is sitting sometimes works.  Aspen House had more pacing-space which was a plus :).  I have all doors to outside and downstairs locked and doctor said to gate and put orange or yellow tape across the stairs going up - it worked!  He hasn't even asked about going up.  As I was bringing his things in from the car he did get out on the front step a couple of times but went back in to the house, except when he wanted to come help and instead of going down the front two steps, he went off the side :|,,, he caught himself thank God but it scared him, scared both of us.  Now he says "can't go down there".   He is still resistant to some things, but have also learned that waiting a couple of minutes and going back with the same request will most often give better results - I think he must need that time to process the first question.  Finally to get him in a different mood, we went to get gas in the car... again, when I looked at him he seemed so lost which i guess he is. 

Supper (dinner for those not from western Kansas :) - i had made notes of all the meals he did eat and one of them was pulled BBQ beef with mashed sweet potatoes and so i made it, and so he did not eat it (again NOTHING is concrete in the world of dementia/alzheimers); ate so cheese and went to sleep and slept until about 4 a.m. in the recliner and then moved to the bed for a little while. 

This morning has been an adjustment for both of us.  For those who have asked me "do you think you can do this?" and I answered "Yes", I would like to change my response to "I hope I can".   He eats in little phases, this a.m. two bowls of fruit salad, later 1 piece of bacon (it was too crispy,, guess it's good he is still picky about his food :P ), orange juice, V8 Juice (there's the veggies) and after much-ado, went to sleep about 11:30.  Have decided not to cook like i tried to do in the past, but buy some frozen dinners that he likes, then i don't waste my non-talent and if he isn't hungry, nothing lost.  Will keep cottage cheese, jello, fruit and veggies on hand plus sweets.. okay, that boring part is done. sorry.

I will end in saying that I don't know what tomorrow will bring, over even this afternoon - we will just keep trying and now I know what the experts all say is true.  How can that be? :)  

I love reading Jesus Calling and the scriptures (if you haven't noticed ),  but get this devotional for today: "Your gravest danger is worrying about tomorrow.  If you try to carry tomorrow's burdens today, you will stagger under the load and eventually fall flat.  You must discipline yourself to live within the boundaries of today  It is in the present moment that I walk close to you, helping you carry your burdens..."  Read Psalm 73:23

Well, that's it for now.... must continue shopping for home health care assistance.  God Bless!

Met with the doctor this morning - Kris is complaining of great pain, at first we couldn't figure out if it was his back or not, it was not his back but another issue which is being treated.  Dr also said he had received the first results from the blood test for Wilson's Disease and all was normal, they are waiting for the 'copper' results and will let me know as soon as it comes in; he is doubtful that anything will turn up but wanted to make sure and I agree.  This doctor will also be following Kris here at home and for that I am grateful.  Kris didn't eat breakfast but did eat a good lunch.  Due to some unforeseen circumstances Kris will be coming home tomorrow!  Yeah....  So will close for now so i can get things done tonight.  Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers.  Will keep the blog going but maybe not as often :) 

Another fast day - and cold  - and windy.  I took Kris a surprise today, Ryan was able to visit his Dad and oh how happy Kris was!  He cried and hugged Ryan, he couldn't believe his eyes when he saw Ryan standing there.  Ryan has grown at least a foot, is growing into a very handsome young man (like his father) - he is going through rough times but knows what he must do to make it work.  We took Sonic for lunch and Kris ate 1.5 hot dogs, some onion rings, cherry limeade, and a piece of pumpkin pie (thank you Sarah Lee :P); hope this hunger continues as i said yesterday he has lost quite a bit of weight.   One thing I have noticed lately is that Kris will look at me or someone else and it is as if he is looking right through me/us.. i often quietly ask him "where are you right now?"    I pray it is a peaceful beautiful place...

We will meet with the doctor tomorrow and  will continue to care for Kris upon return home - that is a great comfort to me as he knows Kris and I like the way he thinks about treatment and meds.  Kris will be coming home this Friday.. I think I have everything ready.   Home care is still in the works - it is quite a process just like everything else.  The care partners said to give Kris at least a week to transition into being home and then he will probably be more accepting of another care partner (cross your fingers).  I have to be honest in saying that I am somewhat nervous - I don't know why or what of, not sure if it is a anticipatory nervous or what... but i am sure on Friday all will fall into place.

My family has had a couple of difficult turns this week - prayers are with nephew Clint and Luci and baby boy; and cousin, Melody Davis and family.    From my favorite devotional Jesus Calling,  "My loving Presence is sufficient to carry you through each day." 

Kris had his blood test done on Friday, he did great!  We will have results no later than Tuesday.  He really enjoyed the drive to Fort Collins and pointed out many areas that he recognized.  The much anticipated lunch at Schlotsky's was a learning experience - Kris went in with me but after a couple of minutes trying to get him to sit at a table and realizing that he is not able to process the action without alot of concentration, we decided to go back to the car which was the same process of trying to get him into the car... mission accomplished but it was very frustrating for him.  I ordered the sandwiches and we ate in the car - he ate about half and then was ready to leave.  Another thing I realized - is that when he has to use the men's room I have to go in with him.  I have decided to make a sign to post on the door so some unsuspecting male will not be surprised by my presence (any other ideas?).  Our eating out days are probably limited,, which means I will have to cook more (any ideas? :P)  When we arrived back at Aspen House he had the same reaction as last week - fear and sadness that I was taking him somewhere else again.  Thank goodness it was cold and windy and his fear turned to wanting to be inside and warm... where he was greeted with open arms and he was happy to be home... not so happy that I was leaving but he continued on like a true warrior.  The house is about ready for his return this next Friday (and yes, I know that many of you are worried about this change, but until another time, we all have to trust that this is what I need and want to do.)  

Today he was happy to see me in addition to his niece Trista, her husband Ed and daughters Marissa, Jami and Britta who stopped by for a few minutes.  He is still not eating and has lost weight and inches - a new belt and jeans are forthcoming... maybe my home cooking will fatten him up (ha!).  Today he only ate 1/2 cup cottage cheese and a coke.   He took a good long nap in his bed for several hours today which is good.   God Bless!

Today Kris was a little more like himself, happy to see me with a smile and tears.  We will go to Fort Collins tomorrow to have the blood test done for Wilson's Disease - wish us luck that he will be okay getting it done; I have bribed him with lunch at Schlotsky's (one of his favorites).  He at bacon and banana for breakfast and cottage cheese for lunch and nothing for supper - they will tempt him with ice cream again tonight.  As wonderful as the caregivers are, it is still somewhat depressing and I watch him watching... or it could be my perception as i really can't follow the dots to connect the lines.  Back to the caregivers, I really can't say enough about them and their patience and caring, it is amazing and I thank God (and hope you will to), that there are people in the world that love this kind of work and it shows with each gentle touch and smile.  This is a picture taken yesterday of Kris and Rosie (such a cutie and she just loves Kris,, they all do.)  

On a lighter note, I had to buy a new vacuum yesterday - did you know they don't have sweepers with bags anymore?  They are some difficult intriguing wind tunnel thing and is difficult for old dogs to learn the new tricks :)   Just cleaning the living room I had to empty it 3 times,,, you would not believe it,,, i could have made a little pillow (DISGUSTING!!!!)   Have been watching the night skies and see that Orion is moving more to the north now, soon he will be hidden until next winter... isn't life incredible?   ... I pray the Lord to guide our way.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wilson's_disease  Many have asked what Wilson's Disease is - here is the link; it is the absorption of copper in the blood stream which can cause liver disease and/or neurological issues.  They say it's a long shot, but even a long shot is worth the taking.. being an All American basketball player I think Kris would agree with that :).   Nothing really new - he is eating very little, is starting to sleep more and more during the day.  He didn't have much to visit about today, seemed tired.  Guess that is it dear friends... thanks for your thoughts and prayers.

Not sure what day this is, I think Tuesday.  Today was the first day since my visits began that I didn't see Kris - a sinus infection got me down but just for one day.    The doctor said they will schedule the blood test for Wilson's Disease this week if possible, has to be done at a special lab in Fort Collins - this would be a huge thing in care (medication wise) for whatever is going on with Kris, or at least part of the process.   Kris' son, Ryan, is planning a visit this week - hopefully, that will work out for both of them.  Kris has been eating a little better and Monday we actually went for a drive around Loveland and had Subway for lunch while watching the frozen water at Lake Loveland :).  Kris enjoyed the drive, but when we arrived back at Aspen House he broke down thinking I was taking him to another hospital ;(, finally the door opened and there was one of his favorite caregivers, Julie.  He cried and opened his arms, hugged her and said how happy he was.  It was interesting to watch, so childlike in his emotions and reactions... actually walked right past me as if I weren't there :), it was good to see him happy and laughing.  He is still not sleeping in his bed, but will nap at times there, sleeps in the recliner at night.  He seems most at peace just sitting on a couch watching everyone or walking around the different 'neighborhoods' as if looking for a friendly face.  More and more it seems he goes somewhere else, somewhere I can't connect with... I hope it is a peaceful beautiful place.  Good news is that Kris is now on only one medication for his thyroid and OTC pain relievers when needed!  I guess maybe some of them were needed for part of this journey, but I am glad they are gone at least for now.     I am looking forward to seeing him tomorrow, especially after watching The Notebook last night with my sister, Ghoni :(  

Katie, our youngest dog had a couple of her stitches open this morning in the midst of everything, the vet had me take her in and she had to redo some things and restitch,,, possibility of a quick spreading type of cancer - we will watch and pray pray pray.  I know she will be okay, she promised to grow old with me. 

Sorry for the rambling.... From Jesus Calling, "I am with you.  These four words are like a safety net, protecting you....."

Saturday's visit was a little rough, Kris had a bad afternoon, BUT the good news was that after a while of settling down he and I actually danced a little - to my humming a Christmas song.  It was so wonderful, a great memory for me.  This picture was from Valentine's Day two years ago - was taken in Estes Park,, had a great day.    Hope you all have a great day too.

Well, I am going to tell a couple of stories before I post the update.  Here is Kate after her surgery and the Kone of Shame she has to wear, poor little thing.  Today I went out early to pick up a month's worth of dog-do-do (4 bags full - thought i would share that important detail) :|  It was actually good to be doing something constructive plus being outside.  This has always been Kris' job so it was a reflective chore of sorts. 

Yesterday was Valentine's Day as you know.  The visit with Kris was bittersweet.  I took a card and box of his favorite chocolates - Russell Stover's turtles.  He looked at the envelope and was not interested in the candy, maybe today.  At times like these you reflect on holidays past and so i remembered all the past Valentine's Days when Kris would have a dozen roses, chocolates and a stuffed animal waiting for me or delivered to the office - as much as I loved them, the next year I would say "now don't spend alot, just get the flowers from the grocery store".... why did i do that?  I guess I didn't think that one day he wouldn't remember what Valentine's Day even is. 

So, yesterday was the first day without the pain med he had been taking, they will not start a new medication until Tuesday.  He was very weepy but tired, hadn't eat breakfast, and was sleeping when I left at 12:30 to pickup Kate.  As of last night he had not eaten supper, so will see what i can take him today that might entice him to eat.  He wants to come home in the worst way and in time we will try it to see how things go.  In the meantime, I am reminded daily (if not hourly), that I am not in control - "... the safest place to be is in My will."  amen

The last three days have been rough for Kris - he is still not eating much and is still not sleeping in his bed except for short (very short) naps when I am there; well, i take that back one night he slept in bed for about 3 hours.  He is able to use a heating pad so i think that is helping his back pain.  He has been very weepy (and who can blame him).  His feet are both swelling again, probably from not keeping them propped up,, he spends most of his time pacing around the facility and looking....  The good news is he has become quite fond of the caregivers there and often hugs them and smiles and teases his favorite ones.  It was hard to leave tonight for some reason.  I don't seem to be getting much done, maybe tomorrow.    Katie, our youngest dog, has a malignant growth on her front right leg, she will have surgery to remove it on Friday :|   Well, God bless everyone...

Yesterday was a long day of sorts.  Kris barely ate anything, but he did eat some green grapes I took and some ice cream that evening.  He was happy to see me as always, but time is not measureable for Kris so he isn't sure if i was there an hour ago, a day ago or a week ago.  We sat and i read "Illusions" for awhile, the looked at the lunch plate, then napped for awhile.  His back is still very painful, for my oil friends, i am rubbing his spinal cord with Panway and the neck with Peace & Calming.  Ed, Trista and girls were here this weekend finishing up the renovations - it was good to have some lively company :). 
Sunday:  Looked like snow this morning, so i left about 9:00.  He fell again this morning before I arrived, must have been stretching and fell backwards - nothing hurt that they could find :|  Arrived with Kris and his plate of french toast at the table, he finally ate a few bites; then fruit jello for mid-morning which he ate all of; and ate most of his lunch,, yeah!  Spent most of the time on the couch as he napped off and on - rubbed his back with oils again and he laid down on the heating pad around 1:30,,, zonked out as they said he hadn't slept much the night before.  Stay warm everyone, thank you for thoughts and prayers.
  and comforting thought from Jesus Calling, "nothing that you do or don't do can separate you from My Presence."  Peace be with you...

Kris was playing balloon volleyball when i walked in, he didn't notice me until i sat behind him and spoke his name and then touched his shoulder, he stood up but did not turn in my direction... we were once again very happy to see one another and sat on the couch and watched the others - he kept reaching up when the ball and watched intently,, patty my hand in between times.  He ate two big pieces of meatloaf but that is about it, no breakfast, no supper but did have two protein bars and banana bread that I had left after the supper plates were gone. Had a good nap and is watching a movie.  I hope he sleeps in his bed tonight, or at least i hope he sleeps.  I am tired today for some reason.. old age I suppose:)  So dear friends, I pray you all have a good night.  thanks for the reminder Shari,, "Be still, and know that I am God."

Kris was not as perky today, however he had been up since about 3 a.m.  He was a little upset about where I had been since yesterday but the happiness overcame.  We spent most of the morning sitting on the couch and visiting and hugging :), one of the gentleman in Kris' area said "stop that nonsense" and smiled.  He didn't eat well today, maybe tonight.  We laid down for a little nap on 'his bed' and it was nice to see him relax and rest.  Took alot of treats but mostly he was interested in the clementines.  About 3:00 we walked to keep his mind off me leaving, after a few minutes of visiting with others and checking the offices, I think he forgot i was even there.  It is always hard to leave, but joyful to arrive.  From Jesus Calling, "Come to Me and rest."   I pray you always have a peaceful night.

February 5, 2014

My new blog, thanks Trudy for setting this up for me.  Today I was able to visit Kris for the first time in 6 days!  I was supposed to wait at least 7 days so he could get used to having others help him, trust and let the new caretakers get to know him... this was the best I could do.  He has not been eating or sleeping well, nor taking medications which were imperative to his moods and ability to rest, etc.  After visiting with the doctor, we both agreed less is best and now have him down to 3 medications instead of 9 or 10.  So the visit:  he was sleeping when I got there, touched his arm lightly and said "you have a visitor",,, oh how I wish I could have captured the look on his beautiful face!  He started crying and so did I,,, he said "I thought you were gone forever."  He looked thin and tired but his blue eyes were so happy.  We went to his room (which I don't believe he knew was his room) and sat on the bed, ate a clementine, put some things away, walked around the facility (his steps are very shuffled and short, he seems tentative at times to make the next step - but does), and then it was lunchtime.  He had not eaten a full meal since his arrival 6 days ago, but he sat down and ate every bite, plus dessert and a Coke!  We cleaned up, fixed a couple of rough places on his feet, walked a little and then the terrible back pain got him down... we went to his 'new' room, he laid down, and went to sleep.  Kissed him goodbye with a heartfelt "I will see you tomorrow", "maybe tonight" he replied with a smile.  Felt like leaving your child in someone else's care... but I was much relieved after seeing him, holding his hand and watching him interact with others... he is so charming.  Then back home, the quiet empty place called home.  Thank God Abby and Kate (our dogs) are here and my sister Ghoni is still staying with us... there is just something missing without Kris here.  I will close my new blog for the day with a prayer of thanksgiving, from Jesus Calling "The only thing you can grasp without damaging your soul is My hand."

Just before I hit 'publish' (old dogs and new tricks :( ), the caretaker called and Kris had just fallen - no one saw him fall so not sure except it doesn't look like he was hurt, except for his back probably.  Prayers Kris to keep you safe.

Catch up - January 31, 2014

Kris fell again at Grace Pointe Rehab on Sunday 2 a.m. - more changes occured.  We finally took him to ER and then admitted him to NCMC with pneumonia and other changes related to dementia.

Change and new surroundings are very very difficult for those suffering from dementia and so Kris had yet another difficult time... but he tried his best every moment to do what was expected of him but not always succeeding :) (called being human).

I was again instructed by all the doctors and pallative staff that it was not in Kris' best interest (or mine) to bring him home for care.  

Yesterday at 1 p.m. Kris was placed at the Aspen House Memory Care Center in Loveland.   In order for Kris to adjust and start trusting others to care for him, they have asked that I not visit Kris for 7-10 days.  

For all of you who know me, you know that this is a heart-rendering request of me.  And you know as well that I am not coping well with this... however, I know who is holding me, who is protecting Kris and who is giving us strength for each step we are taking.   I will survive I am sure :)

Thank you for your constant thoughts and prayers, for your love and friendship.

Catch up - January 23, 2014

Kris and I have been coming to the house a little each day, we are here now and of course, he is sleeping :)  Wish I could say everything was going well and stable, but it is not... just like life I guess. 

I continue to do the up and down tango, not sure which way to go.  But I know that sooner or later a decision must be made and will be made with peace and courage.  

Kris is still at Grace Pointe Rehab Unit, still having issues with edema and now gout, he fell while trying to sit in a chair the other night (landed on one knee but jarred his already painful back), he won't eat in the dining room now, but has trouble with eating anyway so I can help better this way; sleep is still an issue (sleep in day and paces at night when I am not there, yes, the co-dependance is an issue but is normal the doctor says; not easy but normal); and the ever present incontinence. 

I am still going home at nights to sleep, my sister is still here with the dogs in the evenings; Kris' niece and her husband will start on the home renovations tomorrow.   

Just to cover my ever/never changing mind, the owner from Aspen House is coming over in a bit to do an assessment, just in case I land on a final decision.  Have filled out an application for VA nursing facility in Denver - just in case.  (See a pattern yet?  :( ).  I don't know where my decision-making process went, but it must be on extended vacation.

Thanks for your continued prayers and encouragement, give me time, I will land somewhere :)

Catch up - January 11, 2014

Had another restless night, up every hour (I timed them) to 'void' and he usually does.  I left at 5 am to go home and sleep for an hour and get clean clothes; he was still sleeping.  Is up by 8 here at rehab.  the staff is great and they love Kris, but I can't stay here 24 hrs a day - and he needs more than just have his meals served; talked to nurse last night and she indicated the nursing staff felt the same way, that he needed more one on one care and they were going to discuss on Monday... so a new day.  

Today he and I walked over to the Memory Care Unit - I wasn't expecting much but was VERY pleasantly surprised.  The residents were out and about, all stopped to talk to Kris and comment on his height, he visited with most of the men.. there was a husband/wife team scheduled to play guitar and sing and they invited us to stay.  Kris really enjoyed the music and again when we were leaving he shook several hands and hugged several of the CNAs :); there is a military honor wall there and he went to it several times.  Looked around at the rooms, etc.  They are nice and they come empty so we would provide bed, furniture, decorations, etc.  When we left he said that was a nice place... and again, I felt very good about it and the staff

He ate well, and was fairly focused for awhile this morning and we talked about going home vs staying awhile longer at this 'other place'... i know he doesn't understand or won't retain but..   We then spoke with the admission manager (Kris was with me), and they do have a room available, etc - they will all meet on Monday.  They were hoping he could stay in rehab the 20 days but I said it wasn't working , it would be better at home... that being said, I called an RN friend of mine and neighbor to discuss that option (I know I know).  Will sleep on it today and tomorrow... I need to make a decision so he can get adjusted.  

He is eating well, and seems happy in am.   They are doing speech and physical therapy, although not much as he's not too cooperative.  Apparently they added another 'dementia/alz' med yesterday x2.  I noticed Kris using his hands as if he were splicing at work, icky-pick and all; and stepping on the carpet like it had glue on it.  I asked today and they told me about the med, i requested notification before any meds were added to explain the reasoning and side effects.  I will talk with the doctor on Monday and they will not give him those meds till then. 

One of our neighbor ladies stopped by after lunch and of course Augie came by yesterday.  I left at 2:00 to come home to wash clothes and look at mail, etc., and take Ghoni to Walmart, she is being such a help but can tell she is antsy to get back home.  

I will go back at 4:30 to have dinner and listen to the guitar players in another area, give him a shower and hopefully he will sleep; planning on coming home tonight around 8-9:00 - so I can sleep and so he can adjust to not having me there all the time.  Tomorrow I will take some short leaves and home to sleep again... and we will see what happens Monday and will start working with VA.  Guess that's it for now - questions?  answers?   I still am treading in unknown territory :(,,,,

Catch up - January 10, 2014

Well, we have landed at Grace Pointe. It was very overwhelming for Kris - actually for both of us.  He had a restless night and didn't get quality sleep, the incontinence interferes plus restlessness. I am hoping tonight will be better as I was ready to take us home today. I don't see much change and for the cost, I could  probably get help at home for less AND I would be home..... I'm never happy :( 

He did seem to do better this am except his back is really hurting from the fall. The staff is very nice, but not too quick to respond, can't have both I guess.  We have 20 days to figure it all out.
 

Kris is in room 118   Well, as my mom always tells me, give things 24 hours before going too crazy :). 

And I know who is holding us, thank you God!  And I am praying for you all as you pray for us.  

Catch up - January 9, 2014

I left the hospital about 9:30 tonight with Kris snoring away wrapped in a nice warm blanket. They take such good care (not like me of course, but more patient than I :)  I try to do all the care-taking for him up there when I can as they are doing us a favor by keeping him and helping us out, they are so busy.  

It is where the alcoholics and druggies come when problems, it is a lockdown floor.   And I believe it was meant to be - when looking for a bed they didn't know where to put him, thank God it was there as most of the nurses and CNA's have worked in Alz facilities and were very aware of Kris's actions and reactions.. and again, they love him.  It will be hard for them to say goodbye, if they know they won't see us again they all come in and hug us and cry a bit.  have made me promise to keep them updated.  

I, however, will be glad to move forward, it feels a bit like prison to me and I think Kris will do much better being able to walk around more and outside, etc.  It is amazing to watch him when walking down the hall, the floors are faux wood dark and then light wood squares in the middle for decoration I guess - when he walks he won't walk on the light wood, will most times bend down to see if it will come up.  He wants to go into some of the patient rooms to see people but will always just wave to them, he picks at things in the air and on his lap, talks to someone(s) unknown to me - will stare at the dry erase board or mirror for hours - very unfocused, very sad.    I don't know what the fall did but it certainly has caused a change in him - sometimes sometimes he was like he was before (do they call that normal?)  

Well, must get some sleep, will get up early to shower and pack things for his room and maybe take them over if possible, get sister to work and to the hospital as early as possible.  Thank you to my friends from work who will take my car to Grace Pointe so I can ride in the van with Kris (your graciousness never ends Muriel), wish us luck, pray that I made the right choice in all areas and that I stop questioning all the doors that God has opened for us - again, I believe this is a God-thing through and through and He will keep me glued together.  I feel His presence, but I am still frightened, among other things... this is just part of life I am afraid.

The dogs are still confused and even more spoiled than before, they keep looking for Kris - Kris still reaches out for them and gives them a make believe treat now and then.  Ghoni is still willing to come over after work to spend the night with them. The facility has asked that I stay with Kris at least a couple of nights and slowly wean him (and myself probably), my sis has the weekend off and will stay... another God thing...then we will both know what tomorrow looks like tomorrow and tomorrow.   

With heavy eyes and full heart - all my love and thank you for your notes of encouragement and love

Catch up - January 8, 2014

I finally made it home at 11 tonight, but of course can't sleep.  My sister Ghoni has stepped up and is staying with Abby and Kate (the spoiled dogs) at night so have been able to stay with Kris most of the day and night.  I will be glad to get this change made and a regular schedule in place.

Kris has not had a good night until last night around midnight and then he slept through the night and off and on most of the morning so we are hoping that since he is finally on a medication schedule, he will continue to rest and heal.  

The closed head injury definitely has made a decline in this dementia (that is not proper English, sorry)  but I pray that with some rehab and rest, maybe he will get better and with a lot of prayers.  

I have to make a decision about a facility by tomorrow morning - will probably go with Grace Pointe as I think their rehab and transitioning later on would be better for Kris (and me as well) he will then be transferred Thursday.  

With all my complaining I owe a huge debt of gratitude to the doctor who has worked with us during Kris' stay... i think it was a God-thing, like all that has happened.    I am getting stronger, my bouts of sadness are still there but each day they don't last as long.  Thank you for being here for me.